morethanonedirection.blogg.se

Harrys perspektiv.

- Look, it's you baby. Jag tog försiktigt bebisens hand och lät den vila på Sophies kind. han kollade på oss med stora ögon. Vi hade suttit hos Sophie i snart en timme och inget av det jag ville säga hade kommit över mina läppar.
- It's you mum. Jag strök försiktigt bebisen över huvudet. And we're your dads. Louis satt på Sophies andra sida och log försiktigt mot mig.
- She's already gone Harry. She's already with Liam. It's hard to say something, isn't it? 
- It's like she's not here at all. Jag sänkte blicken. She can't hear us, it's not like Liam. Her hearts doesn't beat anymore.
-She's not here Harry. She's gone. 

But it feels like i need to say something but i don't know what. She was so nice to me and a made her sad. Jag strök snabbt bort de dumma tårarna som pressade på. Bebisen lutade sig tungt mot mig och slöt ögonen. Jag strök honom försiktigt över håret. 

- You don't have to say anything Harry. She'll understand.
- What if she's not? What if she's up there, watching me and thinking about how mean i was to her? I lied to her Louis. 
- I know Harry. I wish i could turn back time and make everything right again. But we can't Harry, it's over. We can't do anything about this.
- But i loved her, i really did. But i was never in love with her. She was like Felice, like a little sister. I can't forget her eyes when i let her down, i can't forget her smile, her voice, her little body holding on to me. I can't forget what i did to her, i'm feeling so guilty. How am i going to live with this? It's so much pain. I've been avoiding seeing her because i don't want to be reminded. I don't want to live with this pain, it's like i killed her. 
- But you didn't kill her Harry. 
- But i let her die sad.
- But you also made her happy. Theese last months when she was in love with you, don't you think she was happy? Ofcourse she was. Because you changed her life Harry, she became a part of this big world and she even got some fans. Things go wrong Harry, but that's life. It's hard, but it's true. 
- But what am i going to say her? Goodbye? Because we've been here for two days Louis. The visitor time was out yesterday but here we are again. Because i can't say goodbye, i can't say anything.
- You don't have to say anything Harry. She'll understand. She'll be with you everywhere, with Liam.

Jag nickade försiktigt. Jag förstod vad han sa men jag kunde inte ta in det. Jag kunde inte släppa känslorna som slogs inom mig, tankarna om vad jag hade gjort mot Sophie och tankarna på hennes sorgsna ögon varje gång jag hade varit elak mot henne. Jag suckade.
- We'll make your funeral beautiful, promise. Jag lutade mig försiktigt fram för att inte putta till bebisen. Jag strök Sophie över det lilla hår hon hade kvar. Jag kunde inte ens gråta.
- It's okey Harry. Det var som att Louis kunde läsa mina tankar. You'll get over it. Not her, but what you did. You couldn't save her. 
Jag reste mig försiktigt upp med bebisen i famnen.
- Goodbye Sophie. Min röst darrade. Jag vände mig snabbt om. Louis lade försiktigt sin hand mot min rygg och började gå mot dörren. I dörröppningen vände jag mig försiktigt om. Jag blinkade några gånger för att försöka få bort synen av Sophie i sjukhussängen. Jag förställde mig hennes blonda hår och hennes leende. En levande Sophie. Jag vände mig om och gick ut snabbt genom dörren. Jag visste att det var sista gången jag skulle se henne och jag försökte radera mitt sista minne av henne. Jag ville minnas henne som levande, inte död.

- Are you okey Harry? Louis kollade på mig med oroliga ögon. Jag nickade sammanbitet. 
- You'll be able to say goodbye at the funeral too Harry. 

Vi gick försiktigt in i det lilla rummet med kuvösen. Jag lade försiktigt ner den sovande bebisen igen. Louis strök honom försiktigt över det lilla huvudet.
- We'll have to now. Jag ville ut från sjukhuset så fort som möjligt. Vi skulle upp till fängelset och träffa Zayn och läsa Liams brev. Det pirrade i magen när jag tänkte på det. 
Nialls bil stod parkerad utanför och han stod och pratade med några fans en bit bort. När han fick syn på oss lös han upp och kom gående emot oss. Fansen följde efter. Vi fick ta några bilder med dom och dela ut några autografer.
- Can you give this to Zayn? En av fansen sträckte fram ett litet kuvert. Jag log. 
- Ofcourse. We're going to him right now actually. 
- Oh. Hope he's fine. Fansen log med förstående ögon. Det var svårt för dom också att förlora Zayn. Vi hoppade snabbt in i bilen och vinkade till fansen.

Utanför fängelsedörren var det fullt med fans. De hade stora plakat där det stod "let zayn out" "don't take zayn away from us". Jag suckade. 
- We'll need to find another way in. Niall nickade och vände snabbt bilen. Vi körde till baksidan av fängelset där några vakter stod.

- We can't get in. Jag kollade hjälplöst på vakterna.
- We can take you in this was. De pekade på en dörr på hörnet av byggnaden. Niall stängde av bilen och vi följde tacksamt efter. 
- If you go up here and enter the door on the left, you'll come to the visitors room. Vakten pekade uppför en liten mörk trappa. Vi började försiktigt ta oss upp för den mörka trappan. Ovanför trappan var det en lång ljus korridor. Vi började gå nerför de oändligt många dörrarna ner till sista dörren där det stod "visitors room".

Precis när vi skulle öppna dörren slogs den upp och Perrie kom ut. Hennes ögon var röda och hon kollade snabbt ner i marken innan hon började gå nerför den långa korridoren. Vi kollade chockat efter henne. 
- She broke up. Zayn kollade chockat på oss. Hans ögon var stora och håret stod och alla håll. Jag kramade honom försiktigt.
- Why? Niall kollade förbryllat på Zayn.
- Because.. She don't want to be together with a murder.
- You're not a murder Zayn.
- I am. I killed him, remember? Zayn suckade. 
- It was for the best. Jag försökte le mot honom.
- Things have only been worse. Zayn suckade medan han satte sig ner i soffan. Vi satte oss försiktigt i soffan mittemot.
- So, we're going to read Liams letter, right? Zayn kollade frågande på oss. Jag nickade och tog försiktigt upp Liams brev som låg i tryckt förvar i min ficka.
- Who's going to read? Jag höll fram brevet mot Louis. Han tog försiktigt brevet och harklade sig.
- From the begining? Han kollade frågande på oss.
- From the begining.

"Hey boys. I don't know if you're going to read this, but i just want you to know. First of all, in this box there's a CD. It's a song. A song i made long time ago, but i never wanted to show it for you. But there's no reason to take it in the grave, so i've decided that you'll have it. I want you to take the song and make it your. It's like i'm still a part of the band then. I really hope you'll do that, cause that would mean so much to me.

I want you to know something, it's really hard to tell you. I don't know if you already know about it, but i've told Sophie. I can't write so long, i'm so tired. But i'm going to try to write this down short.
I told Sophie about everything. It's so hard to say this, but her feelings were fading for you Harry, even before i told her. She was going to tell you about it, but then the accident happened. I loved her Harry, i never wanted to do this but i had to. I couldn't see her face when you was going to tell her the truth. I'm so sorry but, but this is how it is. I know she's going to die. I know we'll be up there together, in heaven. She was my first big love, it was so hard to see her with you. She was just a fan in the begining, think about how much she changed our lifes? What if we never met her, what would happen to us the? What if there's another fan out there, waiting to change our lifes. I'm never going to see that. I'm dying, i'm never going to met a fan again. There's milions of them out there. We're just lucky to met her.

And i'm so happy that i met you. Before you, as you know, i was bullied. I was depressed, but you helped me up. You really did, i can't explain how happy i am. And now i'm going to leave you. Are you going to cry? Are you going to listen to my music and then talk about me? Because i don't want you to cry. I want you to move on. Get your own lives or keep the tour going, i don't know. But just move on. Don't cry for me. Harry, don't go into bad habits again. Louis, don't let anyone ruin you humor, always be yourself. Niall, keep smiling. Be a fucking little kid, because that's how we love you. Zayn, don't be to serious. Life is made for you, not for me. Smile, for me, please. I'll always be up there waiting for you and checking on you.

I'm so scared, i don't know what's going to happen. Am i going to be alone? Does it hurt? Are you going to move on? Don't cry for me. Don't cry at my funeral, don't cry for me at all. Smile for me, please. I can't stand there, watching you crying and don't do anything.
The doctor is coming now, i know what he's going to say. I'm leaving soon, i'm so sorry. I never wanted to leave you. Listen to the song i've sending with you. I'm hiding this letter and the song under my bed. I hope you'll find it, but if you're reading this, i guess you've found it. I'm sorry if there's any black spots on the letter, it's my tears. I'll be dead by the time when you'll reading this. So i just wanted to say that i'm sorry and i never wanted to leave you. Keep living your lifes, together or alone. You'll be doing fine without me, i swear. Please tell the fans that i love them and i'll be watching them everywhere they go.

I love you so much. I'll always be your guardian angel. Promise.
Your Liam."